One Step at a Time.

“Why on Earth would I leave, if you were everything I wanted you to be?”

It is a break up song. Jorja Smith. It has had a profound affect on me.

It is as if I can see myself more clearly while listening to this song.

As if I am breaking up with myself. A former version desperately clawing back to the top of my consciousness.

Growing wise, to the lies I have been fooling myself with.

Convenient truths. Inconvenient or hard to uncover reasoning.

This song has gotten innumerable rotations in the last 5 days I have known of it.

The most I listen, the worse I feel but the better I will feel.

Accepting the harshness and discomfort in realizing my simpleton nature.

How to improve it? The sickness of losing. The determination to overcome.

Stick to the goals. Stick to the plan. This free flowing thought.

This looming state of anxiety, hours and hours on end…endlessly unnerving me.

This is what is on my mind.

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Igneous Wings

As clouds are pushed aside.

You are the winds beneath me.
Urging me to dive into the heavens.
Losing every sense of self to the pleasure.
Uncovering a greater distance from salvation.

The thrill of it all.

In search of some existence I cannot live without.
Vying to find an opposite with which to match.
Out of balance with a world leagues below.
You can be the only home I ever know.

Misery in being unsettled.

Having left the battles grounded.
No sight remaining of Yesterday’s tears.
Dried lines forgot to leave a trail of sorrow.
Refusing any skirmish that threatens to follow.

A hell being suffered is a love being lived.

My Greatest Love

Let me repeat for the first line, I do not know how this story will end.

Silhouettes blurred by the distance tell a story replete with confusing tropes.

And it was all so very simple:

All you needed to do was love me and show me as much.

 

T’was too big a task or perhaps I was unfit to love

or perhaps it was my karmic balance to lose you

or perhaps I blew the only real chance I had

or maybe it wasn’t me at all.

 

To walk away while trying to pin me down with a half hearted zest? Insults?

No matter what my weight or measurement

No matter to whether I was found wanting

I will accept not less than my asking price and you have no need to pay it.

 

For alone in solitude I found peace, worth, happiness, courage and determination.

For alone in my sadness I realized the strength and acceptance of not having.

With nobody to blame for my emotions, I found accountability for my conjuring.

Dragging myself through a hell of my very own architecture, I found a reason.

 

Then there was you. Needlessly challenging a relentless opponent.

Knocking on Heaven’s door, dying to deliver my broken heart to death.

As if to proclaim to having bested the beast that besieged you.

Whether it was ever me will be clearer to you once I am gone.

 

Meanwhile, I stand in the mirror, reflecting upon what I had done.

Yet I fail to see a reflection because who I am, I did not become alone.

It took a village to raise the demon soul down from above.

Focusing more clearly on what must be my greatest love.

Decided to Give You All of Me

Failure.

Instinctively, it is what I chase.
Without Failure, I have nothing to overcome of myself.

Forging a new version of imperfection to compete with other imperfects.

Not only is that a flawed mindset,
Even more so, a flawed prospect with dreams of being your king.

You might be right to drop the mic on me.

I kinda want to do that too.

Because for you it was the lies.

For me, it was the truths.

Damage filled baggage is trash.

That is why I do not ask; because what is understood need not be explained.

[Take to] Dragging from an Bio-Electric Connection

Sparks careen off the sheen of a glossed lip as
she kisses him.
Thinking about their time together and contemplating life
missing him.

Them,
lost unto their desire
Sympatico with a wild,
reckless rhythm
running toward a truth
in a moment that is all that
could be given
Catching lightning in a bottle.

Two ribbons tied to memories,
drowning in tears of regret,
Hoping to overcome the gravity of actions already taken,
In a world of judgment, disregard and condemnation.

Blooming from the shitty emotions of guilt
through the grays in the sky
glimmer of reflection on a distant hill
eternally still as a painting – the thrill.

Whispers in a Cave

Entering the mouth of a cave, you need to know what kind of cave you’re entering and if there are points at which light filters in or running water sounds like the open air.
If there are multiple ways to enter and exit or if the way you entered is the only way out and back to freedom.
These are just the basics and if you don’t know these things before you enter, you could doom yourself to being trapped in a maze of darkness.
That’s much like a relationship.

People can be so closed minded and not even slightly aware;
Their growth can be stunted but they still see the light through the thinness of air.
Proclaim the color of the Sun in the sky, arguing a difference until the day they die.
Perception is reality in a way, that’s true but wrong is fucking wrong, dummy.

Anyway, I’m in a deep dark corner of the cave, sitting among the whisperers.

Dusking is when it Dawns too late

Are you hungry? What will you do about it? How deeply are you compelled to eat?

Imagine that it is your brain which hungers and you do nothing to satiate the ache.

Pretend it is your heart which aches for an accompanying thump yet goes neglected.

What pretense must it be put into for the context of ‘now’ to warp your patience into action?

Or is it just life as a lonely loner doing what lonely loners do?

Unreasonable request that were never made yet portrayed as if explained.

Excoriating judgment of those who throw tantrums from not getting their way.

You have the right to feel how you do, as do I.

Good luck in the morning since you did not have any luck at last night.

Tomorrow is a new day.

Building a case

She loves me not;
Rather, at this point, it is they.

Lusting for affection, access & direction,
Platitudes of gratitude forsaken in misty eyed splendor;
Satisfying the acrobatic linguistic aptitudes of a liar lying…
A victim by the nature of passive intent.

Thorny spines of a porcupine squeezed dry,
absinthe inside of a cavity from the hallucination inducing imbibe.

Two tribes.
One mind.
Only a single result may provide the clarity,
Necessity defined.

Call me crazy, even if you don’t mean it.

Distraction

Buried in cliches.

The world of a writer on a mission to outdo his predecessors.

Though, it is impossible to match their sacrifice by emulation,
or to match their discoveries in an age of inundation,
or keep stride with their passions, commitments or dramatic reactions.

Vicariously, he may do what not one of them had the chance,
He might read their visions of existence and blend them,
Again and again, recombinating, resonating and recreating.

Falling for brevity with clarity behind,

A limitless dimension in design.

Masturbation

Beginning a new year

Hoping to improve one’s self in various ways

Albeit a stroking of the Ego

To improve the pleasure one has with self.

Do you still feel dirty and worthless thereafter?

Do you still regret the measure you’ve taken?

Is it because of the way society regards it?

Or is it completely okay to do for self?

Personally beat my dick like it owes me money

I do what I want even if it ain’t funny

Cause there’s only this life and no reset button

So, please have my baby…come be my woman!!!